Letters to God
by livid lizard
Summary: This is my first songfic. It's Boxcar Racer's "Letters to God." Enjoy. Beware the stream-of-conscious (with that writing style, it is supposed to be disjointed. If you think this is confusing, try William Faulkner:) Oh, and the one really foul word.


Author's note: I don't own anything Animorphs, I just bum ideas. I don't own any rights to "Letters to God" or Boxcar Racer either. I can't get the symbols to work properly. If anyone knows how to get them to, please let me know in your review or in an email. I will be eternally grateful.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Caught off guard_

I never saw it coming.

_All worked up_

Granted, I wasn't at my best. The stress of this fool's quest had quite pushed me over the edge. I never should have gone chasing the Time Matrix. It was a cursed instrument meant for nothing but destruction. How could I expect my association with it to be anything better than ruination?

_The air is as dark and cold as night_

I don't know which one of the humans struck, but I saw Elfangor's face, the sick fear and near panic in his eyes as he struck. Pain and color bloomed in my head. I watched myself as I fell, rendered unconscious on impact.

_Let me go_

_I'm not done_

_I swear I'll take just one life time_

I took this strange disembodiment as dying. I could feel the pull, a gentle tug urging me away from this temporal existence.

_And I, I won't lie_

_I won't sin_

_Maybe I don't want to go_

_Can't you wait?_

_Maybe I don't want to go_

I pleaded with the force to release me. I didn't want to die yet. There were so many wrongs that I needed to make up for . . .

_I should've asked_

_I could've helped_

_At least a fucking thousand times before_

I never listened to my children, never offered to help my wife raise them. I always thought that they would be better off without me. I knew I was making excuses, knew that my sons needed me just because I was their father. A father is the first person that a son learns to ascribe loyalty to. A father is his son's first devotion, no matter the situation. Had I damaged them? They waited for so long for me to just notice them . . . What kind of men would they be? Will I ever know?

_Will this offer get me in?_

_Or does this prove that they gave more_

I pleaded to live so that I could go back to my family. Why does it have to be me? Why now? Why couldn't I have died on the Yeerk homeworld when the Yeerks killed the men under my control? I wanted to die then. I guess it was enough. The Power that Be decided that I would return to my body. He had a lesson in store for me. I saw what the human Chapman was doing as I descended into my body. I regarded his actions with a strange sense of calm. It had to be this way. I had to experience a being that was close to what I was becoming so that I would know.

_And I, I won't lie_

_I won't sin_

_Maybe I don't want to go _

_Can't you wait?_

_Maybe I don't want to go_

I awoke a prisoner in my own body. The Yeerk Esplin gloated. He gleefully shared his emotions. We had a history, Esplin9466 and me. He was giddy. I was panicking, trying to find a way to let Elfangor know, but I couldn't see him anywhere. The ship was grounded and it was only the two humans _not humans, Esplin's subordinates_ and I. I knew there was no pleading with the Yeerk; he would only crush me faster. I turned instead to the presence that had been with me earlier while Esplin mocked and jeered.

_And I, I won't lie_

_I won't sin_

_Maybe I don't want to go _

_Can't you wait?_

_Maybe I don't want to go_

I pray in supplication to any divine ear every three days. Esplin tires of my litany of promises to be a good person. I run through the same plea bargains every time, trying to reenforce my sincerity with repetition. I think that I am just making it worse. The other day, my own brother was sent to dispose of me. Regardless, I have to hold on to something. Esplin doesn't bother me about it anymore. We've actually had decent conversation and a few laughs over the years. There is acceptance between us now. It's fate. He doesn't want me broken. His passion to escape a Yeerk existence is too great. He relishes my memories. Sometimes he lets me tell stories that he has already seen just to hear a version more lively with rhetoric and emotion. He is love with the Andalite race. We are both Yeerk prisoners . . .

_And I, I won't lie_

_I won't sin_

_Maybe I don't want to go_

_Can't you wait?_

_Maybe I don't want to go_

I was ungrateful for the life that I had. Esplin taught me that. Now it was his turn to beg for mercy. He begged for his life as we fell to the floor of the ship. Why are all the major upsets in my life accompanied by concussions? I knew what to say.

>You will live, Esplin, and you will learn like I had to learn or you will die.>

That is the last I ever spoke to Esplin4966. I wasn't allowed to testify, but I did attend his trial. I wasn't happy about the verdict, but I was satisfied that he would live and suffer. I elected to remain on Earth. My family came to stay with me until I felt that I could go back. There was a lot of mending to do between the four of us. The universe could wait.


End file.
